“Eye has not seen, ear has not heard, what God has ready for those who love Him”

Prayer is a relationship with God.  It is down to earth conversation with God as if God were sitting right next to us listening, caring, and speaking to us just the way a friend would.    

God is our friend who wants to know us better. 

In fact, God wants us to know ourselves better so that we might make choices and decisions that help us to stay true to who we are. 

The more we stay true to who we are through the gift of prayer, the more peaceful we become.   

So often, we make decisions based on who others would like us to be. 

We turn away from what we know is true for who we are.  We like to fit and belong and be acceptable to others.

When we pull away from our true selves and fail to respond to what we know is true for who we are, we often make decisions or behave in ways that disappoint us.  Then we may feel discouraged. 

In those times, we may also pull away from God, believing that God is disappointed with us too.

But in fact, it is when we are most confused, upset or discouraged with ourselves that God wants to be with us the most.  

God understands that we are all imperfect and that we grow by making mistakes.

God understands that when we grow through our mistakes, we are enabled to move forward better, making more informed choices in the future.

Yes, it is in our moments of need and brokenness that God wants to be there to comfort and guide us. 

God does not turn away from us, we are the ones who turn away from God when we feel bad about ourselves.

Spiritual writer Henri Nouwen has suggested that the essence of prayer is learning to listen deep within ourselves for the comforting inner voice of love.

Although there are many forms of prayer, including formal or rote prayer, the real “work” of the gift of prayer begins in the silence of your heart where God’s inner presence dwells within you and becomes part of you. 

God speaks to your heart.    

God is closer to us than we are to ourselves (St. Augustine). 

There is a big difference between saying prayers and prayer. 

Saying prayers is an activity.  Saying prayers consists of words, which words often lead us to the heart of God within us. 

Through the gift of prayer with words, we often become connected to God’s presence within our heart.

We become aware of the Spirit dwelling within us wanting to feed and nurture us in ways that help us to remain true to who we are in God’s likeness. 

Sometimes we pray without words entering into contemplative space with God. 

Praying without words, or contemplative prayer, is an attitude of the heart that opens us up to the broader meaning of our life with God who is in us.    

Over time, prayer becomes an attitude toward our whole life.  Awareness of living in right relationship with God becomes woven through all our relationships. 

Living in relationship with God becomes part of who we are as a way of life.

It is through an attitude of prayer that we remain open to meaning and purpose in our lives that help us to stay connected to who we are. 

It is through an attitude of prayer that we find ourselves awakening to more of life and the many ways that God shows up in our lives in mysterious ways.

Fostering at attitude of prayer where we develop our relationship with God often begins in the silence of our heart. 

Silence is not always easy.  We like to be in control.  Through silence we develop our relationship – our connection with God — as we learn to trust.

We learn to discern the many ways that God is guiding us and prompting us to go forward in our lives, filled with the wisdom of God’s grace and presence. 

All that we need is a heart this is willing to stay open to the bigger picture of our lives that is becoming clearer to us through the gift of prayer.

A bigger picture experience of our lives might mean becoming aware of deeper meanings that live in and through our life experiences all the time.

This might mean that we move away from our small selves where we think out of dualistic frames, either/or thinking.      

A bigger picture perspective instead helps us to move into our bigger selves, selves that are open to God revealing more to us than we might initially see or be aware of.

A good way to open our hearts to contemplative prayer is by closing our eyes and becoming still, breathing out all that has rattled us into feelings of righteous, while breathing in all of nature and God’s renewing life within us. 

Opportunities for contemplative prayer often surround and enfold our lives in ways that we fail to notice. 

These could include peaceful moments of serenity, awe, and wonder as you are gardening,  folding over the soil and observing firsthand the many forms of life that quietly live beneath the surface of the earth; 

Or the rising of dough as you bake bread;

The transformation of sounds and syllables of toddler babble becoming formed into  a baby’s first words;

Or those moments of seeing shapes formed through clouds in the sky – a heart or some other formation that just speaks warmth, love, and God’s presence to your heart. 

All of these filled with humble, sacred awareness of God’s presence and connection to us in our everyday lives. 

Contemplation is a way of being present to what is inside of our experience. 

Through contemplative prayer and awakening we come to understand that our lives are not insignificant or unimportant.  Rather, what is timeless and eternal is found in the ordinariness of our everyday lives.

Being connected to God in relationship through the gift of prayer opens us up to experiences of oneness, unity, harmony, presence, resonance, wonder, and awe. 

Prayer is knowing God rather than knowing about God.

Prayer is knowing God experientially through our lives and our lived experiences, rather than through objective knowledge about God.

Prayer is feeling God’s love and affection.

Prayer is feeling God’s kindness and caring for who you are.

Prayer is a gift that you open up and give yourself to, a gift that helps you to know more about who you are and who God is within you.   

The post The Gift Of Prayer appeared first on Geraldine Kerr, PH.D.,LMFT.

“This is a moment of great suffering. Suffering is part of my life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.” (Kristin Neff)

It’s probably a fair statement to say that many of us may be feeling some level of trauma or stress right about now. Practicing self-compassion means that you extend compassion to yourself at times when you’re feeling inadequate or “less than” how you would like to be showing up.

In many instances, everyday routines have been replaced by total lack of structure.  Our days no longer begin at the gym, children are crowded into our limited spaces trying to learn their lessons, while we are cramped alongside them trying to work.

Added to that might be a toddler in your space not learning lessons, but rather teaching you lessons about just how precious they are and how much your entire family gains from their presence.  You know that in your head, but then there’s this thing called patience, and that can grow thin more often than you’d like.

Contrasts in everyday living are stark and vast, no longer running to the supermarket or the mall on a whim, but rather becoming mindful about where, when, and for what to shop – and oh by the way, do you really need that?

There is a new level of mindfulness that living in times of a pandemic requires.  It isn’t that mindfulness is hard, it’s just that it’s new. In fact, mindfulness is a key component toward practicing self-compassion that we want to adopt and work with.

It’s hard to acknowledge that you’re feeling some fear, when you’re working so hard to feel safe.   How do you find a balance between not being overly cautious while also staying safe?  How do you unstiffen your neck and loosen your jaw muscles so that you navigate these daunting times in a functional way, a way that stays true to who you are while practicing self-compassion?

I am a relationship therapist.  And relationships being key to life as they are, these are a few reference points that may help guide you through these changing and challenging times.

First and foremost, is a great need to learn and to practice self-compassion. None of us ever dreamed that within days and weeks our lives would be turned upside down as they have been.

Many (if not most) of us live our lives within a family.

Families are systems.  So what happens in one part of the system affects all parts of the system.

What does that mean in a pandemic or at any other time, really?  It means to be aware that when you are irritable or withdrawn; sad or overly clingy because of your feelings about all these changes, others around you may likewise become affected.

Does that mean you should shut down your feelings, avoid or deny them?  Absolutely not!  In fact, it means something much better and far more valuable; it means that you talk openly about how you are feeling and welcome and invite others to join you in talking about what they’re feeling too! It means that you extend some self-compassion to yourself and other-compassion for those others around you because everyone is trying to find their common ground.

Lean into your feelings and welcome others around you to do likewise so that your relational systems will be nourishing and receptive, versus shut down and disconnected.

Similarly, with your partner, talk about physical intimacy between you.  Your partner may want greater physical intimacy and comfort during this time while you may be needing some space. No problem but talking about it so that you both have a clearer understanding of each other’s needs and wants will lead to greater clarity.

Significantly, try to understand what you are feeling and reacting to that become triggers for you. What feeling may be leading you to feel distant from your inner-self, just when you are needing your inner-knowledge and strength the most? How will you extend self-compassion to yourself during this moment of feeling less than adequate?

An important aspect of practicing self-compassion pertains to taking care of yourself in mind and body.  Do you need quiet space to think, to meditate, to pray?  Do you need some contemplative time just for you, apart from family time where you can sort through and hear; really hear what your heart is trying to say?

As you practice self-compassion, what spiritual awakening may you feel guided toward now, more than at any time before this? 

Has your busy life of “doing” overshadowed your creative side of “being”, which awareness you are just waking up to?

How can you be kind to yourself to modify your current daily structure to welcome and make room for your creative longings and needs?

Most important through all of this is awareness that you are not alone.

Whether embedded in your immediate family, your extended family, neighborhood, work team; whether you are an educator, a researcher, or someone on the frontlines, you are not in this alone. 

We are in this pandemic together as one human and connected family, and the sooner we mobilize our feelings of love, care, and concern for each other and ourselves, the sooner this virus will heal itself and go away.   

The post How To Practice Self-Compassion During Difficult Times appeared first on Geraldine Kerr, PH.D.,LMFT.